I think i am in depression?

2 years ago my grandma ped away the day after christmas I can never go to bed with out crying over her She was the one i could talk to about anything without my mom knowing She was my best friend and i loved her a lot!when we got the call on christmas that my grandma was in the hospital me and my mom had to rush out of the cerimony of celbrating christmas the doctor thought it was heart faliure and my mom said is there anything else we can do and he said no then earily in the morning the next day my mom said ARE YOU SURE THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO and hes like you should asked me last night because the cats out of the bag now and later that day my gma ped away about 10 min before she did my mom asked me if i wanted to come say my last goodbye and i said no because it would be to hard for me and now that i look back i feel like a bad person because i never said goodbye to my favorite gma now that ped and my uncle ped away and me and him were close now my other gma's dieing